I am sitting at the airport waiting to go back to Cape Town after spending the past few days with my children. Most of the time with Henry and Alecia and only a short while with Daniel, weeping at his grave, desperate to have him back.
Henry and Alecia are making me so proud, like they always have. They are so positive and strong, loving and compassionate, coping with life after losing Daniel in many ways better than I do. We went shopping, listened to music, talked, laughed, remembered Daniel and telling each other that we will be okay.
Daniel is buried in a town two hours drive away from the nearest airport and from where Henry and Alecia stay and I went alone this morning to visit his grave. I have no words to say how it feels to start a two hour journey that will end at the children's section of a cemetery, where Daniel is only one of the many small heaps of ground.
It doesn't make sense for me to go to Daniel's grave because I feel nothing but sorrow being there and I will leave feeling hollow and empty because yet again, there was nothing more of Daniel to be found than any other time before. I know so well that death can't change but still my heart forces me to keep on going back - to the place where my time on earth with Daniel has stopped.
Our gifts for Daniel today were three pebble stones and small plant.
The stones are from a garden where Daniel loved to play. It belongs to one of my friends and whenever we visited his house it was with great pleasure that Daniel emptied the flower pots of all the pebbles. He threw them in the swimming pool or else he packed them on the paving to make interesting patterns. Blessings to our friend (who doesn't like to be named) for all the times that he patiently dived out stones from his pool and for never minding the disruption of his landscaped garden.
I bought the plant from a nursery. They asked me what type of plant I wanted and my request was that it be hardened enough to endure sun and wind and for it to have white flowers. I didn't say that it was for my child's grave and that it would be watered by my tears. Just thanked them for helping me.
That was today.